Sadness

The little girl sat on the end of her bed and started to cry. She could not understand why she felt so sad and lonely, as if she had done something wrong. It wasn’t anything she had wanted to happen. She felt dirty and confused.

She honestly felt like everything in her life had changed that day.

It all started with her dad calling her into his bedroom. She had been downstairs playing with her two little brothers, watching them while her mom was in New York City catching a show with an old friend. She loved her little brothers, although they were hard to play with since she was so much older. They never really understood the games she wanted to play, and all of their toys were so babyish and boring. Her older sister was a lot more fun, but she was at her friend’s house that afternoon. Lately her older sister treated her like she was a tag-along, as if she was too young to play with. It was depressing to think that her best friend was outgrowing her, that she was more interested in boys and makeup than playing tag and softball in the yard. At least she still had her little brothers as playmates.

Anyway, her dad called her upstairs, saying he had wanted to see her. She had thought she was in trouble, although she couldn’t think of a thing that she had done. Her dad was almost like two dads in one. He could be really nice and fun, taking them for hikes and playing soccer with them, but he could also be really mean. He had a bad temper, and was not afraid to scream or hit his children. Lately it seemed like the slightest thing would set him off, so the three of them tried to be extra quiet and good that day to avoid his fury.

She crept up the stairs, trying to be both quick and quiet. She really did not want to do anything to make him mad. As he shut the door behind her, he patted a spot next to him on the bed. She was anxious, afraid to be in more trouble, but also wanting to be back downstairs where it was safe. An unsettling feeling washed over her as she made her way onto the bed. Something seemed off about her dad; he didn’t seem like he was about to yell, but he wasn't really in a good mood, either.

What happened upstairs made her feel sick in her stomach and cold in her heart. The way he touched her made her feel scared and dirty. She hated every minute of it, and wanted to go back downstairs to be like a child again. But almost worse than what he did was what he told her: never tell anyone because he would deny it. He was an adult, and she was just a kid. People would believe him and not her. They would call her a liar and be mad at her. And if mom ever knew, she’d be mad and might leave her forever.

After she was finally allowed to go back downstairs, she could not stop feeling bad. She was able to push the memories from the forefront of her mind to focus on other things, at least temporarily. But the dirty feeling inside wasn’t going away, even after she was playing again. Even after she took a bath and scrubbed every inch of her body raw.

After her bath, she went straight to bed, an unusual move for a kid who tried to stay up past bedtime almost nightly. Mom got home and came up to ask how her day was. She just didn’t feel like talking, so she lied and said she felt sick (well, it wasn’t a total lie since her stomach still hurt her) and she was going to bed. It wasn’t until after everyone else turned their lights off that she felt safe enough to huddle at the end of her bed and cry.

It was a feeling that would last for years. It was a feeling that no hot soak in a tub would ever wash away.

Telling the truth- take two.

Telling the truth

I was 20 years old, spending the summer working as a retail associate at a Bath & Body Works in the local mall. I was tired, and hung over from being out late the night before. I was sick of standing for hours at a time, sick of having to be friendly to rude customers, and really sick of the smell of vanilla body lotion.

I remember that my boss was pretty annoyed that I had a personal phone call at work. I guess she let me take the call because it was my dad. He said he was calling to make sure that I would be home that evening after work, since he had something that he wanted to speak to me about. It was highly unusual for my dad to call me at work, as our conversations were generally relegated to the obligatory hellos and how were your days as we passed one another in the hallway. Anyway, he said he wanted to talk about money. I said I'd be home, and we hung up.

Almost as soon as I got off the phone I forgot that my dad had even called. Several hours later, after a breezy night drive with the windows down and the music blaring, I pulled into the driveway and saw through the front window that my mom and dad were sitting at the kitchen table. It was only then that I remembered they wanted to speak with me, and I figured it really had nothing to do with money. I was right.

Colleen's Top Ten

Topics, moments, and subjects I've always wanted to write about:

1. my childhood memories (especially those involving my sister)
2. important women in sports, politics, and science
3. eating disorders
4. spirituality
5. nature
6. rape and sexual assault
7. nutrition science and policy
8. health and well-being
9. my family history
10. relationships between people (including family relationships, romantic relationships, and friendships)

Loving Meals I've made or that have been made for me:

1. chocolate chip cookies
2. mom's chili
3. beef stew
4. Christmas cookies
5. a pasta, tomato, and asparagus dish
6. chicken soaked in red wine, coated with cinnamon
7. lemon-pepper chicken
8. pumpkin mousse
9. pancakes, eggs, and sausage
10. pizza

My Most Significant Moments:

1. meeting my now-boyfriend for the first time
2. crying after my big sister left for college
3. reading on the porch hammock in the summer
4. yearly family vacations to Ocean City, Maryland
5. graduations: from high school, college, and graduate school
6. meeting my niece Amanda for the first time
7. running my first (and second and third) marathon
8. seeing the David while in Florence, Italy
9. long conversations with my sister, brothers, and old friends
10. funerals: my grandpa's, and two friends from high school

Most Significant Conversations in My Life:

1. My brother called me to tell me he joined the army
2. My brother called me to tell me he might be going to Iraq by the end of the year
3. My sister called me to tell me she was engaged, and then when she called to say she was pregnant
4. Discussing whether or not to move to Buffalo with my boyfriend, which would mean leaving behind friends and a job
5. Various interviews for various jobs, some of which I got offers for and some of which I did not
6. Opening up to a friend, and then my parents, about my struggles with an eating disorder
7. When I called my grandmother after I found out my grandpa had passed away
8. Anytime that I tell someone I love them- close friends, family, or my boyfriend
9. Anytime that I apologize for something I have done wrong
10. Any conversation I have with my youngest brother or oldest friend- I always end up laughing a lot

Things I love the most in this world:

1. Family (my brothers, my sister, my parents, my nieces, and my extended family)- for all of their support and love through the years.
2. Friends (those I met in kindergarten to those I have met in the last month)- for their laughter and joy, and for being there when I need them
3. My boyfriend- he's been very supportive and nurturing to me, but also pushed me to grow
4. My three nieces- they may be covered in the family category (#1), but they are all so special to me. It's amazing to see the siblings I care about so much having their own children.
5. My alone time- I am so busy, so a chance to sit still, nap, be peaceful, read, or write is nourishing.
6. Running- it keeps me physically in shape and mentally stable!
7. Traveling- I love seeing the world, meeting new people, and exploring new areas
8. Holidays- I love decorating for and celebrating a holiday. It reminds me of my childhood, since my mother would do the same thing.
9. Learning- I love to learn about myself, about others, and about the world around me. I think it keeps you young.
10. Animals- I have always loved animals, as they have been a source of unconditional love to me.

Hands

When I look at my hands, my first thoughts are about my palms. I went to a palm reader when I was living in Washington, D.C., and she told me that I would have three children, a successful career, and live to a very old age. I believe that my hands represent some of the hopes and dreams that I have for my future.

I also see scars on my wrist from a bad tumble I took while running once in college. My middle fingers both bear permanently swollen knuckles from high school basketball injuries. The index finger on my right hand has a paper cut from an envelope I opened too fast. So I guess my hands also represent some of my mistakes and accidents from the past.

My nails are manicured right now, colored in a pretty purple that's just perfect for the fall. I don't usually get my nails done, but I decided to splurge for a friend's wedding last weekend. It's the first time that I've pampered myself in months; I've been pretty broke since I moved up to Buffalo this summer.

My hands offer a direct connection to the world around me. They have painted a playhouse for the local Boys and Girls Club, held my sister's baby, cuddled my pet bunny, cooked meals, taken pictures while traveling abroad, and written in a journal. My hands help me express myself and take care of the people that I care about.